This was an April Fools joke…
When I first started this website back in 2013, I thought I was paving the way onto becoming a billionaire. I mean, other bloggers live and feed their families with the revenue of off theirs. Why not me, what did I do wrong?
I know I forgot to put ads but I don’t want my website littered with Viagra adverts and solicitation from Nigerian princes. I don’t like to sell farming machines either. Ads are so annoying anyways; they just get in the way of my perfectly written blog with subpar text from a marketer. I wouldn’t see my own ads anyways, I use an adblocker.
Despite all my efforts to go viral and annoying people with my links on Reddit, Discord, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and for God’s sake even the start-up dreamers on Hacker News: I get nothing. At the very best, I get maybe one or two visitors per day from countries I’ve never heard of, like Germany or Brazil.
My exquisite English is ignored and no one reads my resume for some reason. I’m a very qualified writer and have tons of experience doing everything, even working as a mechanic back in the day. I don’t know why people aren’t so impressed by my skills. Recruiters just tell me to fuck off.
When I launched this website, I planned for it to be my primary source of income. I’ve seen many YouTubers, podcast authors, fiction book writers and Twitch streamers quit their job and I was hoping to do the same.
My blog began way after my website back in 2017, I wrote about the most interesting subjects like Automatic Transmissions, Drifting, Weekends, and very important aspects of my personal life. Surely everyone is interested in that, right? I sob, cry and weep every night after making a post because I get no likes or comments. No one on the Internet links to my blog and that makes me sad.
Two months ago, I quit my job and started to eat into my own funds. I’m in overdraft, maxed out all my loans and declared bankruptcy. As I’m writing this, it’s currently -39 degrees Celsius right now and I’m freezing to death. I’m outside on the street on the corner of McArthur and Vanier, where most of the homeless people beg for money. I stole someone’s SIM card so I could have Internet access.
Thanks to all the losers who ignored my website, now I’m in abject poverty. I’m addicted to cocaine and morphine and I lie by telling people that I need money for food. Getting high is better than starvation anyways. I’ve been applying for jobs at grocery stores right now, I think I have a lead at Loblaws on South Keys.
I can’t afford to keep this website up and my hosting provider is threatening me to shut my website down and delete all my content since I’m 3 months overdue.
*sniff* *sniff* I thought I was going to be rich! 😭 Houston, shut her down!