The 5G COVID Mind Control Conspiracy Is True!

I used to think that I was better than everyone else because I thought our pandemic was a result of an evolutionary accident that spread through contact with animals. I would read the newspaper everyday in fear of death because another 300 people died and another 5000 are at the hospital. What if I’m next?

Turns out, I was all wrong and those conspiracy theorists actually turned out to be very insightful people.

So my first hint that something was up when I got my third vaccine. I noticed that my cellphone reception got so much better and download speeds were much improved. The corner where the reception bars are no longer showing LTE but instead 5G. I was stunned. This was undeniable proof that COVID was in part caused by the installation of new 5G towers.

Our cellphones have become spying machines but there weren’t enough because they couldn’t read our minds or control our heart rate. This is why they implanted a chip inside the vaccine that would be injected to us. This is no doubt that it is for mind control. Just like fluoride in our water.

The deaths and illnesses that are developing are completely normal. Everyone dies of viruses every year, nothing is going wrong. The statistics are pure fabrication just to put the world in mass hysteria. This was simply the precursor experiment to see if the globalists could control us only with propaganda. But that failed so they decided that they needed to implant chips as phase two.

Globalists are keeping gene pools in storage containers in the arctic because they’re protecting themselves from all the genetically modified organisms that they are feeding us. COVID is simply another organism that they created in a lab. This is exactly like the black plague that was made by the British Empire to reduce world population.

The other hint that made me reflect was that after the second vaccine, I developed a deep love for Bill Gates and Elon Musk. I really wanted to donate to the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation despite having only a few dollars left in my bank account. I signed up to be next on the list to buy an expensive Tesla Model S Plaid. That’s probably because of the chip. I’m finding it harder to believe my theory about COVID but with pure willpower I’ve overcome the effects of the chip. You can do it too if you read my book “The Truth About Covid And How To Use Your Mind Powers To Combat It”

Unfortunately, I felt like it was too late knowing this conspiracy after getting three shots. So I worked with some of the top homeopathic doctors in the world to develop a remedy for this. This is a very effective product that we spend months developing. We patented it so big pharma couldn’t use it. It can only be bought through me. Based on it’s healing properties, we called it Restoria XL.

The patented mix contains high quantities of phosphatidylserine sourced from bovine cortexes and other secret herbs which strengthens your immune system. It contains calcium orotate with eradicates all the fluoride in your blood. It also contains detoxing properties which will make you feel so refreshed every morning. We also used an innovative method to microdose organic phosphiliates using healing crystals. All these ingredients are 100% natural and vegan friendly. Don’t talk to your doctor about it.

If you put the coupon code Anti-5G-Mind-Control when checking out, you will get a 34% discount on your next bottle of our amazing patented product. Get it now before Bill Gates controls your mind!

This was a satire…

Top 10 Tips to Make a Top 10 List

1 - Start with an irrelevant life story.

You need to start your blog entry with something that has nothing to do with your list. Make sure it’s long, unengaging and most importantly: fill it with run-on sentences. Describe how some trivial event in your life changed your whole worldview. Include stories about your grandmother or paternal aunt that you claim inspired you. Get some ideas from online recipes where the back story is longer than the recipe itself. Trust me, this fluff is really important for a successful blog. The introduction should include how these tips have changed your life and made you a famous superstar.

2 - The list should be about something grandiose filled with platitudes.

Don’t discuss actually interesting and specific things like lists of the most useful instructions for a Motorola 68000 processor. Keep it generic and make sure it’s about some major aspect of our lives such as vague success, making a ton of money and being ‘smart’. Pretend that the reader has never thought of these ideas. Bonus points for something clickbait.

3 - Don’t do any research or give out references.

A successful list should be filled to the brim with inaccuracies. Things that win people over are usually brain chemistry and hormone claims that will activate us and keep us healthy. Say generic things and use original research with expressions such “research has shown” or “scientists have demonstrated”. Don’t ever include references to actual sources, you’re not writing a Wikipedia article here.

4 - Claim that you found a way to become a millionaire with some trivial work.

Everybody loves get quick rich schemes especially if they’re easy to do. The truth is, these schemes actually do work and world economists don’t want you to know this. They want us to be slaves to this insipid 9-to-5 grind. Show off your bank account with photoshopped balances. Fabricated or unproven passive income tips will win you a lot of readers too, trust me.

5 - Try to shove your book into their throats.

Every famous blogger has written a book about obvious things and included this list in it. Don’t make the book too long; keep it superficial. Ensure that your poor writing skills demonstrated by your blog are well reflected in that book. Sell, sell and sell this miracle that you’ve created. Unlike the ads and sponsorships on your blog, the book is what will make you a bit of disposable income. Even better, have a plug for an eBook reader that has the ultimate features despite it being too simplistic.

6 - Include stolen photos.

Photos are a great way to space out an article and make it look longer than it actually is. Don’t use your own photographs because your photography skills are above and beyond what the article deserves. Use your Google Photo search skills and copy and paste whatever you find. Don’t pay attention to the fact that some photos need attribution and royalty-free ones actually cost money to include.

7 - The list should introduce nothing new.

Medium has shown how popular blog posts that are carbon copies of another. Repeat what others have said and keep it short because you don’t want to expose your lack of knowledge in a certain subject. Somewhere in your list, you should highlight the importance of sleep and eating vegetables. The best tips are the ones that are not actionable. If you’re making a list of content such as books, just pick some random ones from a Goodreads list and even better, some that you never read yourself.

8 - Claim that you have overcome a serious and chronic condition.

Everyone wants to live a great healthy life and not bogged down by diabetes. Mental conditions are starting to surface in discussions. For example, if you’re bipolar, make sure to write that you conquered it while you’re having a manic episode. Forget the relapse that you’re already having and stop taking your medication. Great ideas are using untested and poorly research homeopathic medicine and supplements. Include a conspiracy about big-pharma and how they want us to stay sick. I mean you can sell them yourself. You need to go against the grain when it comes to what it contains. Good examples are “gluten-free”, “grain-free”, “meat by-product free”, “no genetic modifications”, “organic”, “keto-friendly”, “vegan” and so on.

9 - Fill it to the brim with conspiracy theories.

Our world is full of fear and unknowns. Why not abuse it and create some juicy conspiracy theory. There’s so many of them online with movements promoting them. Using misinformation will empower your readers and in fact keep them coming for more. Don’t be surprised that people love the craziest of ideas, especially when they’re too good to be true. People will believe anything with a good production value.

10 - Say that social media is bad for you.

So much research has been done (see, I’m not referencing anything here) to show that social media is dangerous for our well-being. Include a variation of the previous sentence and add some pizzaz to it just to make a bigger impact on your visitors. Keep the hypocrisy going with having a strong social media presence and asking people to read your tweets, follow you on Facebook and subscribe to your amazing vlogs on your YouTube channel.

I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m shutting this whole website down!

This was an April Fools joke…

When I first started this website back in 2013, I thought I was paving the way onto becoming a billionaire. I mean, other bloggers live and feed their families with the revenue of off theirs. Why not me, what did I do wrong?

I know I forgot to put ads but I don’t want my website littered with Viagra adverts and solicitation from Nigerian princes. I don’t like to sell farming machines either. Ads are so annoying anyways; they just get in the way of my perfectly written blog with subpar text from a marketer. I wouldn’t see my own ads anyways, I use an adblocker.

Despite all my efforts to go viral and annoying people with my links on Reddit, Discord, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and for God’s sake even the start-up dreamers on Hacker News: I get nothing. At the very best, I get maybe one or two visitors per day from countries I’ve never heard of, like Germany or Brazil.

My exquisite English is ignored and no one reads my resume for some reason. I’m a very qualified writer and have tons of experience doing everything, even working as a mechanic back in the day. I don’t know why people aren’t so impressed by my skills. Recruiters just tell me to fuck off.

When I launched this website, I planned for it to be my primary source of income. I’ve seen many YouTubers, podcast authors, fiction book writers and Twitch streamers quit their job and I was hoping to do the same.

My blog began way after my website back in 2017, I wrote about the most interesting subjects like Automatic Transmissions, Drifting, Weekends, and very important aspects of my personal life. Surely everyone is interested in that, right? I sob, cry and weep every night after making a post because I get no likes or comments. No one on the Internet links to my blog and that makes me sad.

Two months ago, I quit my job and started to eat into my own funds. I’m in overdraft, maxed out all my loans and declared bankruptcy. As I’m writing this, it’s currently -39 degrees Celsius right now and I’m freezing to death. I’m outside on the street on the corner of McArthur and Vanier, where most of the homeless people beg for money. I stole someone’s SIM card so I could have Internet access.

Thanks to all the losers who ignored my website, now I’m in abject poverty. I’m addicted to cocaine and morphine and I lie by telling people that I need money for food. Getting high is better than starvation anyways. I’ve been applying for jobs at grocery stores right now, I think I have a lead at Loblaws on South Keys.

I can’t afford to keep this website up and my hosting provider is threatening me to shut my website down and delete all my content since I’m 3 months overdue.

*sniff* *sniff* I thought I was going to be rich! 😭 Houston, shut her down!

How to Drift a Bus

This is another satire...

I traveled to Japan last year and got a chance to meet the Drift King himself. I was doing a track day and drifting culture is hot in Tokyo. I got a chance to speak to Mr. Tsuchiya and he told me a funny story about drifting something you wouldn't expect:

Hi, my name is Keiichi Tsuchiya, and I am the Drift King. I call this maneuver the "Omenibussu Duriftu" and it cost me my job and sent me into abject poverty.

I started doing this on rainy days tired from my 8 hour shift of hauling passengers around, I needed to relax and have a bit of fun. I would move the bus side to side and then turn hard and the bus would drift. Passengers screamed and complained as I counter-steered the slide. The complaints lead to me being fired ending my career as a bus driver.

If you want to try this yourself and risk your losing your wage, just do the following mods and follow these instructions.

Make sure you inflate the rear tires of the bus as much as you can and deflate the front ones. This will make the bus prone to oversteer. I convinced the maintenance workers to install nitrous on the bus telling them that the bosses ordered us to test out this new ethanol reduction system. I even convinced them to weld the rear differential as it would help getting out of sticky situations in snow.

I recommend you do this with 40 footer bus as an accordion bus may lead to fish-tailing. Use a track with plenty of run of area to prevent accidents or the rapid-transit road if you're brave enough. You'll need a rear-engined, rear-wheel drive bus for this technique (a bit like the Porsche 911).

First, accelerate to 60 kph, and then swing the bus left and right until you reach the corner. While you swing, keep accelerating until 100 kph. Then once it reaches the turn, accelerate hard and let the bus slide without adding steering input. Half-way through the slide, counter steer and reduce throttle. It will work every time, at least for someone skilled like me.

The simulation was possible thanks to BeamNG.drive

Endothalmic Adaptance

Henceforth a model of endothalmic adaptance emerges from resistifying anticouplers, one can understand the comprehensive theory of pluridimensional cystors. In all scenarios, the suspendation of maxima-based theoria causes the eloption of famnistic verifiable visiothermic systems. Whereas the examples herein are based on systematic mediocracies, their validity still lies within the thalmus of integration.

All starts with the pseudo-automatic of grammarial variances in a multiversal with a higher panametric velocitors. The variabation explains the dimenstionality of all existances, no model currently outlies a suspense-based hypothesis relying on capacitrons and transistrons.

The nanometric and femtometric divisions occur in natural organical stators presented by hospictacular exothalmic adaptences adapted to multivariant divisionation of all automatronic variabulations poorly understood by scientific communiti.

This theory envisions an explanation for the quarkic submolecular anti-physics producing an encompassing viewance on existory exhibitors for the production of an omnithermal motoric force. Therefore, all theories and hypothisiac tractance can be accounted for.

The endothalmic adaptance view can be summarized in these simple equations parametrized with mathematronic on a philosophist creatance.