I’ve been haunted by my own past for so long. It’s not something I wish the reveal but I believe it’s finally time to put it aside and leave it only for only opportune moments when it’s warranted. I’m a drama queen and sometimes I talk too much about it, but in reality, it’s a balance between past and future.
My thinking patterns often revolve ruminating about the past with the inability to let go of what happen. Feelings of anger, regret and sorrow haunt me again and again. I subject myself to pain that I felt beforehand and no matter how hard I try to bear it, it hurts just as much as it did before.
Sometimes life presented me with surprises that I didn’t expect. Events and happenings that I would have never pictured in my past self. I can never tell if it’s emotions, my circumstances or just people that cause me all this pain. Actually, it’s an intangible mess of the way our world works. We clutch onto controlling it but the truth is, we are submitting to it. Philosophers have constantly argued on who’s the master of our fate: us or the Universe.
The past ten years have pushed my patience to the limit and made me realize how vulnerable of a person I truly am. I always assume that people have good intentions and it comes back to bite me. I hold steadfast onto hope until the very end despite all signs to the contrary. As a result, the anguish holds me down as I try to recollect the pieces of hope that just shattered in front of me.
I was lied to and accused of being delusional to statements that turned out to be vivid and looked past into the future. I was assigned titles I didn’t deserve and convinced of having things that I did not possess. I became so desperate that I desired to end my misery in any way possible.
When the whole adventure was put to end, I realized how bamboozled and how unduly tested I really was. Gullibility was my weakness and it drove me so far into psychosis. Disbelief made me blind to the obvious evidence that something was indeed wrong and a conspiracy was hidden right under my nose.
I’ve learned my lesson: I should listen to my gut. Toying with emotions are a sign of weakness and leave someone into insanity. I regret not following my intuition as it may have saved me from being abused and tortured. Next time, I need to submit to my unconscious mind.
I have chosen to change as much as I could in my daily life; every detail. I’m trying to gain a new perspective on life, one where the past is on the floor. A new chapter in my life has started where the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fit again.