After some deep thought, I decided to finally write something about myself, but I’m keeping it vague on purpose until I get more comfortable with myself. I can’t keep a veil of perfection hiding what’s inside me. I’m broken, flawed and troubled; that’s the truth. I can proudly cope with this big mess and function like a ‘normal’ person, but I have to hide everything and pretend nothing is wrong with me.
A few years ago, I learned that my primary emotion is Anger. It’s not aggressiveness or the desire for violence, but rather a tightness in my chest caused by memories that still haunt me. It’s self-criticism, self-hate, self-everything. I never know how to express it but one odd thing it does is make my creativity explode.
The past week I’ve gone through a swath of emotions ranging from sadness to disappointment to discomfort to anxiety to depression and everything in between; mainly due to recent life circumstances. It exhausted me so much that I became emotionally numb, but in an odd way: able to feel negative emotions but not positive ones. I’ll just say it’s a chemical problem than emotional or cognitive.
My past life circumstances have been against me and the bad memories are really starting to seep in. I hate myself for it and my capacity to ruminate endlessly about it. I’m programmed to see things in a dark light and any lightness is simply dimmed until it is simply obscurity. Why?
People tell me to think happy thoughts but it’s not in my capacity. My brain isn’t wired for optimism but rather pessimistic anxiety. I’ve developed my own coping techniques but they only numb the pain rather than get rid of it.
Yet, I know why I am angry and I’m not going to talk about it. It’s going to spoil my image of ‘perfection’ that the world has taught me to keep. I reveal my troubles to so few people and the stigma behind them scares me so much. Help is everywhere to deal with it and I’m seeking as much as I can.
I’ve been dealing with a monster for over 10 years now. It’s stuck with me for the rest of my life. I know I can cope, but sometimes the emotions get to me and all I want to do is seclude myself.
One day, I’ll write about what’s it like to be me, but it’ll be buried under a swath of prepared blog posts so it’s not the first thing on my page.
Get ready to read away…