Me

At the end of my teenagerhood, I was used to being the center of attention and being popular. I was a model son, a model student, a model social king, a model speaker; a model in religion; as viewed by others: a perfect person. I was the pride of my parents and the focal point for everybody else creating jealousy and envy.

However, around 6 years ago, my life started to change a bit. I was no longer an example for everybody to see. In this past time, I moved out, I’ve took part in vices, tried things I was forbidden to do, developed a mental condition, renounced my religion, and finally got the chance to express myself.

I was expecting for my family to distance themselves away from me as I was no longer the perfect son. Nevertheless, I found out that extended family members and family friends were sifting through my reddit account, my Instagram, my Facebook and so on and was way more popular than I have ever been. What was unraveled was a completely different somebody, one who has changed: no longer the perfect Ahmed. The attention came back as rumour mills and quite some drama, which people love so much.

it makes me feel strange that the most frequent visitors to my website are family members overseas, employers and recruiters. That’s not exactly the kind of people I want to read my stuff but then again, this blog is an opening to the deepest parts of me and it’s enticing.

Online, it’s a completely different story. I’m absolutely unimportant. No one cares about me, I’m just someone hiding behind a website and a blog that appears to most people, a babble of nonsense. We are dreaming of popularity but maybe it’s not the best thing.

I desperately throw my content on all the social media accounts that I have only to drive little traffic. Whatever projects I’ve done are just becoming passion projects for me, not something that others care about.

My blog doesn’t have a direction, it’s just my mind going crazy and throwing up inspiration that randomly comes to me. My blog is me and nothing more. I’m one of the billions of people on Earth and the several millions who have a website. I’m starting to realize that I’m nothing special, why would anyone care about what I have to say?

In the real word, I might be generating a lot of buzz because of certain life choices that I made or exposing conditions that I have. However, online it’s a completely different story: I’m nothing. Just a dot.

I’m sure many bloggers and website authors can relate to me. There’s a pressure for popularity but it’s in vain. No one cares that Ahmed El-Hajjar wrote about his change in career or why he was angry that day.

To my many friends who blog, vlog, stream and so on, I feel your pain. You want to express your freedom but there’s no one to express it to. If someone else has posted the exact same content as you, their stuff might have become unstoppable and viral because of connections they have to a certain industry or perhaps survivorship bias.

I have almost 40 blog posts that is aimed at a large audience but in reality, I’m just talking to myself. This has been more than 3 years of shouting on my side and silence on the other side of the door.

It might sound that I’m frustrated and I’m angry though the dryness of my text doesn’t help but I do feel anxious. What I wrote are subjects that people don’t care about. I started looking at every post, every sale, every view as a passion project.

Inside me, I feel this innate pressure to become big like the others but that doesn’t seem to be my fate. At the end of the day, this is for me only and there’s a select few who have joined me to see what a random stranger on the Internet thinks.

I’ll soldier on and keep at it keeping my expectations at the bottom. It’s just me.

Finally, a way to subscribe to this blog via email!

For the past several years, the only way to subscribe to my blog and get notifications about new posts was via RSS. However, RSS readers have become out of style and several web browsers don’t support the format anymore.

Now, there is a subscription link on the side bar where you can enter your email and have mail sent to you without using an RSS reader. While this is a newsletter most of the emails will be about my new blog posts; new products and other interesting stuff will be part of it as well.

Please leave a comment on how you typically subscribe to a website’s updates. Are you old fashioned and still use an RSS reader, or have you moved to Feedly and their services? What about newsletters, do you filter these out or do you religiously follow them if they interest you?

Song of the Day 003 - Lolly Bomb - Little Big

I discovered Little Big form a friend in Czech Republic who was familiar with Eastern European music and he exposed me to some Russian made songs. It’s just every time when I was shown one of Little Big’s music videos, I always had the same reaction: What the hell did I just watch? The lyrics were a joke and didn’t have much meaning, until you joined it with the music videos.

This is a story of Kim Jung-un, dictator and Supreme Leader of North Korea, falling in love with a missile. Happiness ensued and he started dating it, making out with it and other romantic preoccupations. Kim is devastated when a soldier came in the hotel room and snatched the bomb. It was denotated and it took off much to the happiness of the soldiers, however Kim Jung-un was devastated in tears surrounded by a happy army celebrating the launch of the missile.

The song itself is quite repetitive with constant repeating of “Lolly Bomb”. It was an obvious mockery of the Lolly Pop candy. Depending on how you listen to the song, you can hear both. A sort of McGurk effect if you will. Of course, there’s the occasional romantic expression such as “I never had to chance to tell you how, feels like you’re a part of me”.

Of course, Kim ends up falling in love with a bigger bomb after the break up.

The musical style of this track is obviously Trance. It’s heavily electronic with almost no traditional instruments. This style gets stronger and stronger as it progresses. This is especially obvious before the chorus is repeating one last time.

The music and the video are inseparable and this is what I’m including.

Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb

Girl, you're the bomb
Got me rocking bombers
Yeah, you're the one
When I'm talking numbers
And I wish you could show me
One or two things that I wish you could show me
And I wish you could love me
Wish she can love me

I've never had a chance to tell you how
Feels like you're a part of me
I've never had a chance to tell you how
Follow me, follow me, yeah

Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb

Like a hand grenade
Gimme that Lucozade boost
I can detonate ya
Baby, let's call that a truce
And I wish you could know me
Face in the news every day, you don't know me?
And I wish you could know me
Face in the news every day, you don't know me?
You don't know me
You don't know me

I've never had a chance to tell you how
Feels like you're a part of me
I've never had a chance to tell you how
Follow me, follow me, yeah
I've never had a chance to tell you how
Feels like you're a part of me
I've never had a chance to tell you how
Follow me, follow me, yeah

Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly
Lolly, lolly bomb, lolly, lolly, lolly bomb

- Il'ja Prusikin and Ljubim Khomchuk

Working from home: my hate and my insanity...

The whole COVID-19 pandemic has caused a paradigm shift in terms of what working is going to look like for a long time. Even when things are back in control, we'll still find ourselves being home employees. Employers are taking advantage of this to perhaps save money on office costs  Many venues are closing because their response to COVID-19 has put them into abject poverty or even in bankruptcy. Restaurants, coffee shops, gyms and other places that thrive on a large customer base to function are closing; especially the small ones. 

Working from your domicile means all the home distractions are available to us. I hear of friends with low workloads using Caffeine or Amphetamine to give the illusion that they're working while in reality they're taking naps, watching shows and gaming. My current job is more fast paced and I don't have that luxury though admittedly I've slacked off a bit.

There's a contrast between sitting next to your manager and staying at home with all the freedom you want. You can pretend to work and extend deadlines making your work seemingly more difficult. I noticed my coworkers including my teammates taking their time on tickets that normally take 2 days done in 2 weeks instead. Everyone is playing the lie.

The isolation is something that drives me really nuts. The few meetings and no real interaction makes for a very lonely experience. Instead of walking to a friend’s desk for some help, now you have to send emails and schedule a meeting.

I was hoping to find a way to have company through a shared office space. However, I was alone there as few dared to put themselves at risk. I didn't have the company I was looking for to discuss random subjects and have that human interaction. Worst part, it was unusually expensive no matter the location. It would make things hard to afford things.

I haven't tried coffee shops but these seem more busy. Apparently, these kinds of locations increase creativity and production due to the chatter, less distractions and of course your boss not staring at you. Universities might be a good location too but it seems no one is going there.

What pains me so much is how much time we spend at home because of remote work. Although I argued in my first blog post that we work too much, we'd at least have more time for walks and whatever else refreshes us. However, an extra 8 hours at home just seems too much for me. We’re trapped because we have to be online all the time and our bosses expect instantaneous responses, otherwise they might think we’re unproductive. I try to do things outside of home when I can but it's hard during these lockdown days.

I'd like your opinion on how you cope with working from home and how you stay sane stuck in front of your laptop at home without any breaks. Leave comments.

Fixated (poem)

Petrified, by my mind's reflections. Horrified, by my spirit's ruminations. Bewitched, by my psyche's obsessions. Locked, in my head with no refuge.

How can I live? When eventual is unpredictable? When bygone is unforgettable? When present is depletable?

The sky is painted with vivid darkness. The sounds are aery with insipid harshness. I cannot rest while my consciousness vies to dim the dimmest of blackness.

How am I to become? When my own will not fight to outlive my nightmares, to attain my ambitions?

Fixated, I am, in the likeness of a glacier moved only by the ocean's currents melting away day by day destined to no longer exist.

The past is gone by, when will I forget? Only when my anima no longer is!